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Mutual Respect & Making Deposits

Nov 21, 2022

Montessori classrooms depend upon a web of mutual respect. This culture of respect is established from the very beginning: from how the classroom is arranged and sized for the children, to how we greet each other at the start of the day, to how the adults refrain from interrupting children’s concentration. Dr. Maria Montessori emphasized that, as adults, we must have the utmost respect for children, because they are in the process of constructing themselves and are the hope for the future of humankind.

 

Mutual respect does require maintenance, though. As Montessorians, we are always tending to the emotional environment of the community. One way we do this is by continual practice of different ways we can show grace and courtesy toward each other and our surroundings. We do know, however, that situations arise when tensions start to run high, misunderstandings proliferate, and irritation takes over. We are all human, after all.

 

Because it’s helpful to have some support when things start to fray, we thought we’d share a strategy that can be helpful when frustrations, fallings-out, or rifts are on the rise.

 

First, imagine a scenario in which there is a small slight. A look from across the room. A forgotten request. Not listening to what is being said.

 

Usually, this isn’t such a big deal. However, if we are feeling particularly annoyed or frustrated by something that happened previously, we might mutter about how we can’t believe so and so did that again, how could they look at us like that, how they never pay attention, and on and on.

 

Our response tells a lot about how we are feeling about the other person involved.

 

If we find ourselves in a situation where a progression of misunderstandings and misinterpretations is causing a rupture, it can be a good time to pause and consider the concept of an emotional or relationship bank account.

 

Dr. Stephen R. Covey explores the idea of an emotional bank account in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, and Sean Covey introduces the relationship bank account in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens. The essence of this “bank account” is that we have different connections with the people in our lives, and between each of us we have an unseen measure of how we are connecting. We can visualize that measure as a bank account. Just like with a bank account, we can make deposits or withdrawals.

 

When we greet a co-worker in the morning with a smile and a compliment, we are making a deposit. Over time, with lots of deposits, a large cushion of goodwill is created in our relationship bank account. When a large cushion is there, our co-worker is likely to be understanding when one morning we scowl and barely mumble, “morning.” They might wonder if we are okay and want to do something to help us feel better.

 

But let’s imagine that instead of making regular deposits into our relationship bank account, we have either not taken the time for a kind greeting, or perhaps have been complaining about something they’ve done. These little acts end up draining our relationship bank account, like multiple small withdrawals, until there is little to no cushion of goodwill between us. If that’s the case, when we scowl and mumble, “morning,” the other person might react with anger and frustration, fed up with our attitude and ready to retaliate.

 

In simple terms, our relationship or emotional back account is like a cup that gets filled or emptied. 

 

When exploring this idea with young children, it can be helpful to draw or get a real cup, fill it up while imagining different acts of goodwill, then empty it while exploring little thoughtless or unkind acts. Children love to brainstorm different ways to fill the cup, perhaps even creating a poster or drawing together to have a visual reminder.

 

Older children are often intrigued by the connection to a financial bank account. Even the logical exploration of deposits and withdraws can help older children shift out of the emotional centers of their brains, which then allows them to approach a potentially tense situation with more calm and clarity.


If your children would benefit from a graphic image of making deposits or filling a cup, or what it looks like when lots of withdraws mean we don’t have a buffer of goodwill, feel free to download this image of a graduated cylinder to use to show filling or emptying our emotional bank account. Sometimes having a visual really helps solidify the concept for children.

 

Really, though, we can use this strategy in all of our relationships. When we can think about the little acts of kindness, honesty, patience, and unconditional love and acceptance as being ways to build up our relationship bank accounts, we can more easily shift gears in how we relate.

 

Ultimately, this practice can allow us to become more mindful of the actions between us. We can look across the room with warmth. We can acknowledge a mistake and work to make amends. We can listen with acceptance.


When we make deposits, we connect and cultivate goodwill. These deposits happen on a regular basis in Montessori classrooms. We invite you to come to visit our school to experience this mutual respect for yourself!


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Montessori education is a “whole child” approach to teaching that encompasses all areas of child development—cognitive, emotional, social, and physical. It encourages children and adolescents to learn at their own pace in an environment that fosters independence, problem-solving, creativity, and collaboration. That said, parents may find that Montessori schools do things a little differently than traditional schools. This is not right or wrong; it is simply a different way of encouraging children to learn, and one that may or may not be the ideal fit for your family. Let’s look at the questions from our quiz and which answers resonate most with Montessori parents. This will give you a better understanding of the Montessori classroom so you can decide if it is right for your child. 1. Children learn best when they are: Given rewards, like stickers Connected with internal motivation and interests We believe learning should be an exciting and joyful experience for children—something they choose to do without the expectation of rewards for academic outcome, participation, or cooperation. Instead of stickers or other prizes, the reward a child gets from the Montessori classroom is the self-assuredness that comes from reaching a new level of independence or learning a new skill. 2. I am choosing a school to: Prepare my child for a traditional kindergarten Prepare my child academically, socially, and emotionally for school and life Montessori education is more about preparing children to become thoughtful and well-adjusted adults and less about making sure they advance to the next grade or academic level. This is achieved by creating a consistent pathway for learning that begins as early as infancy and carries through to elementary education and even beyond. Therefore, it does not make sense to enroll your child in a Montessori Primary program, for example, if you intend to transfer them to a traditional kindergarten classroom the following year. 3. When considering education, I: Am open to learning about all methods and want to find one that is the best match for my child Believe traditional methods are the best option Some parents prefer the structure and familiarity of a traditional classroom setting. This is absolutely fine. However, because children tend to learn in different ways and at different paces, they often benefit from being in an environment that allows them to learn in the way that works best for them. The Montessori classroom is a great example. A parent whose child may thrive in a Montessori school setting is one who believes in giving their child the freedom to make choices and guide their own learning journey in an environment that fosters imagination and independent thinking. 4. My child learns best when in an environment that is: Orderly, bright, and peaceful Noisy and full of visual stimulation You will notice that Montessori classrooms have a calm, inviting atmosphere that tends to be quieter than walking into, say, a typical elementary school classroom; there are a couple reasons for this. First, because Montessori students are given the freedom to choose their own activities, they are more likely to be fully engrossed in those activities and less likely to be asking the teacher for direction. Children move at their own pace throughout the classroom, and teachers are there primarily to ensure children are engaged and learning. Second, because quieter environments have been shown to foster quality learning, Montessori students are encouraged to speak softly with each other and with their teachers. In this way, they learn to respect those around them and promote a positive learning environment. 5. The most important outcome for my child is to: Be prepared to achieve in elementary school and beyond Be a happy, well-adjusted, and self-motivated human being Again, the Montessori method of education places a greater emphasis on self-paced, independent learning over making sure children advance to the next grade or academic level. We believe learning should be an enjoyable experience that encourages children to work beside and respect one another while at the same time developing their individual personalities and unique talents. 6. The ideal school schedule for my child would be: A few hours a couple of days a week A consistent schedule 5 days a week The Montessori program is thoughtfully structured to help children maximize their potential in an environment where they feel content and well adjusted, and a big part of that comes from consistency. Children thrive on routines and knowing what to expect each day, which is why families who can commit to a consistent, 5-day-a-week schedule are those who benefit most from a Montessori education. 7. It is important that your child completes worksheets and memorizes facts at school. True False Although often used in traditional school settings, worksheets and similar memorization and repetition tools are rarely (if ever) used in the Montessori classroom. We believe children learn more effectively through hands-on experience and independent exploration rather than regurgitating facts onto a sheet of paper. Students are also more likely to retain important concepts when they are able to apply them to different situations and test their validity for themselves. 8. You want your child to: Learn at their own pace and be challenged according to their unique ability Learn according to a curriculum based upon their age In a traditional education setting, parents are often told that a child is not “reading at their level” or that they should be “further along by now” in a certain subject or task because of their age. In the Montessori classroom, children are encouraged to learn at their own pace and given the time and space necessary to fully understand each concept. Children naturally want to learn and understand things, and giving them the freedom and the opportunity to do so is the key to helping them achieve their learning goals. 9. I want my child to be in an environment that: Encourages them to explore their interests, without interruption Has an external curriculum taught at specific intervals each day While traditional classrooms are very structured in terms of time (e.g. 30 minutes each day for Math, 30 minutes each day for Reading, etc.) the Montessori classroom is not. Instead, children can choose which activities they want to participate in and for how long, so as not to interrupt the learning and exploration process. 10. At school and home, I want my child to learn to be: Independent and do things for themselves To rely on adults for everyday life skills One of the primary goals of the Montessori method is to teach children to think and do things for themselves instead of relying on adults for everything. In the words of the American Montessori Society, “Given the freedom and support to question, probe deeply, and make connections, Montessori students grow up to be confident, enthusiastic, and self-directed learners and citizens, accountable to both themselves and their community.” Montessori students learn at their own pace through observation, exploration, and experimentation. Although it is the perfect fit for many families, it is not the perfect fit for all families. If you are interested in learning more about Montessori education and its unique benefits, we encourage you to schedule a tour or visit our blog to learn more.The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.
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